My father-in-law is someone I’ve always looked up to. Over the years, he’s shared a lot of great sayings that have stuck with me. One of them is this:
“But what if you had to?”
I’ve thought about that question more times than I can count.
Sometimes it’s something as insignificant as a spider on the wall. I don’t want to get it. I’d much rather wait for one of my kids or my husband to take care of it. But if I’m the only one home, suddenly the choice changes. It’s me…or living with the consequences of leaving it there.
The spider isn’t the point. (Although… spiders. Yuck.)
The question is: What if you had to?
One place this question shows up over and over again is in the difficult conversations we know we need to have.
I think most leaders can have the difficult conversation. More often, they simply don’t want to. And honestly, who does? Kind people don’t enjoy disappointing others. They don’t enjoy conflict or having awkward conversations. They don’t enjoy telling someone they’ve missed the mark or holding people accountable.
In fact, many leaders care so much about preserving the relationship that they unintentionally create a much bigger problem. So instead of saying what needs to be said, they soften the message. They avoid giving a clear answer. They say what feels easiest in the moment. They delay the conversation. Or they leave the other person believing something completely different than what they actually intend.
It feels kinder, easier and avoids discomfort . . . for now. But avoiding discomfort rarely eliminates it. It just postpones it. And postponed discomfort almost always returns with interest.
The difficult conversation becomes an even harder conversation. The misunderstanding grows. Trust starts to erode and frustration builds on both sides.
The question doesn’t make the situation any easier. It simply changes your starting point. Once you’ve accepted that it has to be done, your mind naturally begins figuring out how. The conversation still isn’t easy. The spider is still on the wall. But you’re no longer deciding whether to act . . . you’re deciding how.